i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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