the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
