I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
