P.S. I can't hear my feet
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
