I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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