Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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