I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
