Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
