I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Randomize
