he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
