just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
