I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
