Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
