When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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