I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
