I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
