I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
