just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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