I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
