I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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