Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
