I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
