Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
