I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
