I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
