I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
