Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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