my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
