between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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