Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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