i wish my penis had a tongue
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You are the jesus of drinking
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
