I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
