the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
