So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
