okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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