I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Randomize
