I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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