I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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