so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
