I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
