Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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