i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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