I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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