Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
