I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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