Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
