Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
