So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
