Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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