I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize