you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
