I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
