I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
