i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
