whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
