Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
