Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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