Banned from zoo.
Again?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
he was CRYING into my vagina
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
