I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
