she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
