I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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